When I told Jerome that I was feeling down on Friday, he jokingly said that the moodiness is one of the symptoms of a pregnancy. I told him that I'm feeling down because I fear another failed cycle. I'm on my 4th cycle of Clomid and Jerome had been working very hard too if you know what I mean.
He told me not to worry, we can take another 10 years if necessary. Now, I just have to stay positive and continue to look at the brighter side of things. He reminded me, for one I don't have to wake up at 5am in the morning to go to school anymore and I can do whatever I like at home. I actually have a lot of choices.
Indeed, I do have a lot of things to be grateful about. Before I start spiraling down the endless pit of self-pitiness & self-inflicted gloom, I should actually look at all the things I can be grateful about in my life.
* I'm happily married to a great guy who's really my greatest pillar of support. Yes, Jerome seems a little 'controlling' at times, but he always have good reasons. He has a good sense of humour and always make me laugh. He's confident and he's the kind who can strike up a conversation easily with anyone. I'm more of an introvert. Sometimes, I wonder how we ended up together. But really, he's my baby now.
* We now get to spend 24-7 together. It sounds incredible and somewhat unimaginable to some, but we're still as 'sticky' as ever. We're not at each other's neck yet. Well, i did marry him for better or worse, for 24 hrs a day. I enjoy cooking for him. He'll usually finish all the food that I've prepared and thanked me for the meal afterwards. Well, he also blamed me for his 20kg weight gain over the last 6 years. He really was a skinny man when I first met him. I was also slim then. Well, we've most definitely grown together over the years. For once my prayer was answered. "God, if you can't make me slimmer, make him fatter...".
* I've no financial worries. We're financially free. Like Jerome said, I don't not need to work for the money. Jerome gives me a comfortable monthly allowance, enough for me to give my parents, insurances, general spending and even some savings. And I'm quite 'low maintenance'. I've no qualms about going for a $5 haircut at my neighbourhood hairdresser. Other than buying children's books (I've stopped buying them for the moment), my biggest spending is on travelling as in going for holidays.
* I don't need to work. I am free to do whatever I like and just need to keep myself fruitfully occupied. I can do all the things I wouldn't have the time or energy to do when I've been busy teaching in school. I've learn to cook and bake in recent years. My father was 'shocked' as I've never knew how to cook anything before. Now, I can cook, bake and blog :) I've just taken my needles and started cross-stitching again. The next cross-stictching project will be Precious Moments "Noah's Arc" or maybe one with a baby. I can still have a couple of students for tuition to keep in touch with teaching. Jerome says it's really in me to teach :P, but I don't have to go to school to do it.
* I've took my parents on a holiday. I've glad that I've brought my parents on a fully-paid vacation to Zhangjiajie in September this year. It's my little way to pay back what my parents have given me. My parents did finance my Europe trip after my graduation from NUS and the last time I paid for their vacation was a cruise for the entire family in my first year in MOE. I had to take an interest-free installment plan then. In the past, I've been one who spent more than I earn.
* I am happy now. Yes, I have to admit. If I am not happy now, what can make me sure that I can only be happy when a baby comes along. I don't need a baby to complete our family. Yes, I would really want to have children that's a little of Jerome and a little of me. I would love to read and tell endless stories to our children. Jerome'll be a great father. We'll bring them to the parks and zoo. We will bring them to Toys"R"us and buy them all sorts of toys so that we can play with them too. These are all the nice scenarios that we've painted in our minds when the children come. But at the same time, I admit, I'm scared. I've enough experience teaching children with special needs and learning difficulties. I've a nephew who has serious autism and attends a special school. Another niece needs daily hormone injection to aid in her growth. So, I would rather be childless and happy than to have a child with special needs and become a parent who's always worried about the child. But guess that's one of the responsibility of becoming a parent. You worry. First you worry about the pregnancy, then the birth, growth, education (PSLE, O levels, A levels...), friends, relationships, work, marriage, family, etc... I think this reverse psychology works. Ah Q's Spirit at work again. I am happy now. I don't have to worry about so many things. I don't have a child to worry about...
12 years ago
Sheryl,
ReplyDeleteSometimes when we are feeling down, it's hard to look at the bright side of life. I know that very well because every once in a while, I find myself living in darkness. Yes, I know it seems kinda strange that I have my dark days. But I get reminded daily of the wonderful things that are happening in my life. Maybe little small good things may not seem significant but when you put all the little small good things together, they can become a real bright light. Like your blog, rainbow comes after a rain. I remember a couple of weeks ago, I was feeling really down and I started to make my rainbow cakes and as I was baking, I was reminded of all the wonderful blessings that God has showered upon me.
Sheryl, stay positive. I know it's hard but there's a real bright light at the end of the tunnel and I can feel it coming for you. Don't be discouraged. I remember a friend who went for IVF and she failed at the first cycle. She was very discouraged. I remember her telling me over coffee. She was one of our ex-colleagues. And then I left for HK. A couple of weeks later, she called. She told me that she was 2 or 3 months along. I was so shocked because she was actually pregnant when she was sharing her discouragements with me. She failed and she gave up at IVF and it was then that she conceived naturally.
Anyway, enough of my ramblings. I'll definitely be keeping you in my nightly prayers.
Dear Jasmine,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing :) That's right, my blog was set up to really remind myself that the rainbow comes after the rain and though life's not perfect, it's still good and it'll only get better!
Only after I've tried to conceive did I realize that a life is really a miracle. Like Sarah McLachlan's "Ordinary Miracle", everything that we take for granted is really a miracle.
Another colleague who was already preparing for adoption after 10 yrs of trying suddenly found herself pregnant. It's just strange but glad that everything works out well in the end.
Sometimes I just can't help but wonder why is it so easy for others, but so difficult for the rest. But I guess that's just life- unpredictable and like Forrest Gump said, "Life is like a box of chocolates, u never really know what you're going to get."
If it's only as easy as following a recipe...
Anyway, thanks once again for keeping me in your prayers and I'm looking forward the bright light at the end of the tunnel :)