The Answer...

We seek to find answers to our questions and ask why and sometimes we don't like the answer...

Last Friday, hubby and I went to KK and met our 3rd fertility Dr. He's the 3rd one we've seen in KK within 2 years. He was recommended by a friend who has conceived under his IVF treatment. He was the head of the department and was reputed to be the one with miracle hands.

Before we started on our long journey trying to conceive, we didn't think we would have to 'travel' so far and now to consider IVF. Just like the other appointments we had, we had to wait for over an hour to finally see him. In his office was a large display of photographs of babies and children successfully conceived from IVF.

Finally, Dr Loh came and he was friendly and asked some questions while he flipped through my medical file and noted that I've been through many cycles of clomid and Letrozole. Then just like the other 2 doctors I've seen before him, I was given an ultrasound. But what followed was pretty unexpected. He said that I had small ovaries! Finally, he had found the answer to explain the infertility problem that we're having! Although the other 2 Drs had done the same, all they could say was that everything looked normal. Now, Dr Loh had found something and I don't like what he found.

At that point in time, I didn't know what was the real implications of having small ovaries. But one thing for certain was that I could sense a certain urgency in his decision to let me start IVF as soon as possible, looking at August and with a high dosage of medication. While we were waiting for Dr Loh at his office, I had asked the nurse when was the earliest time we could start IVF and she said October. So August is half the usual waiting time.

But before that, I still had to go through some blood tests to check certain things before we're ready to start IVF.

A Positive Sign... or not?

Last Sunday, Jerome and I went to my friend's baby shower for her first born. The first baby shower we attended in many years. I hated attending baby showers because of the inevitable question "When's your turn?" Anyway, I decided to attend the one last Sunday and managed to drag Jerome along.

I haven't been in constant contact with my Secondary School friend. The last time we met was over a year ago when she visited my home with her husband.  I did not know she was even pregnant until I received her SMS invitation to attend her first baby's 1st month celebration. She has got married a few months after Jerome and I. I guessed she must have taken quite a long time to conceive her baby.

Anyway, she asked me THE question "When's your turn?" I told her honestly that we're working on it, been working on it for a long time." She asked me whether I've considered IVF so I told her that we're looking into it. It turned out that her baby was conceived through IVF. She also shared other positive stories from other couples she know who also conceived their babies through IVF. And about her daily injections  for over 50 days with the needles growing in size and dosages. Her husband was the one doing the injections for her as she was afraid of needles. Well done, my friend! Anyway, the bottom line was it was all worth it. Her precious princess made everything that she's gone through worth it.

Later, I shared with Jerome whatever my friend had shared with me. I remarked that this is a positive sign since my friend shared with me so many success stories. Jerome couldn't get pass the idea of the 50+ injections. He reminded me about his 'phobia' of injections. I told him I'm the one being injected, not him! He admitted that needle is his weakness. He said we should reconsider the whole IVF business and whether we really want to go through all these just for a child or another round of disappointment.  He talked about an ex-colleague who had a child with special needs. Her advice to him was that sometimes it's better off to have no children. Just take things natural. The most important thing is that we're happy and contented with what we already have.

So think again...

But 1 thing's for certain, Jerome says "If we do not have children, we're going on holiday every CNY so we don't have people asking us "When's your turn?" or 'happily' telling us "So and so got married last year and now wife's giving birth soon. So we better 'buck up'. "

I couldn't agree more... In fact I'm looking forward to travelling somewhere now!

Ramdom Thoughts

My youngest sister wrote me a long mail via facebook telling me about what she thinks when she read about our adoption plans. She offered her mobile services 24-7 to me and I was really touched. She was telling me that we're still both young and should continue trying to have our own. She was concerned about what others may think, the questions asked by relatives, etc... What if the biological mother comes knocking and wants her child back? What if we eventually have our own biological children? What if the child grows up to be rebellious? These are questions that I have no definite answers.

But I told her not to tell my parents about this as nothing is for sure yet. Meanwhile, I'm waiting for my 'last chance' to get my BFP this year. Nevertheless, we have the pre-adoption workshop next January to look forward to. The November workshop was full and these workshops seem to be very popular.

From FB, I was updated about friends and colleagues who are having babies. 8 out of 10 ladies I knew from 2 years back from the singaporemotherhood forum, all trying to conceive then, already have their own babies.  I feel happy for them but can't help feeling envious about their 'good fortune'.  One of the reasons that I actually gave my P for going on leave from school is that I'm affected when I see other teachers getting pregnant in school.

I don't want to go to baby showers, children's birthday parties or huge family gatherings. I don't like putting myself through all the "Ah! Baby so cute!", "When's your turn?", "How many years have you been married? Isn't it about time to have your own children?" or "Why don't you want to have children?" Well, if they only knew. Jerome always say that many people have nothing better to say.

A couple of years back when my mother-in-law mentioned that it was about time for us to have a baby over a family dinner, Jerome told her off and said that it's really our business. She never bring up the matter ever since. But he did announce to her that we're trying to start our family last year. Wonder when she'll ask to see some results... Then imagine the shock she might get if she finds out we're thinking about adopting.

Another Cycle of Clomid

In February, Jerome made an appointment at KKH-The Private Suite to visit Dr K Loi who specializes in fertility.  After that first consultation, after an ultrasound and a Pap Smear, Dr Loi suggested that I was not ovulating and hence I was prescribed clomid to be taken over 3 cycles and Jerome had to check out his troops. Our next appointment will be after the 3 cycles and after Dr Loi returned from her maternity leave.

The first month I started, I had to visit the hospital for a blood test to check for my Progesterone levels that indicates whether I'm ovulating. But strangely, there was no follow up to that blood test. Just like the Pap Smear I did, there were no calls or mails. What's the purpose of doing the tests if I don't get the results?

After the 2nd blood test, I told the nurse about this. Only then I found out that I needed to get my blood test done at the KKIVF department, not at the Pte Suite. Anyway, a few days later, I received a call from a nurse telling me that I'm not ovulating and that I should increase my dosage of clomid to 2 tablets. So I had to make another trip to KKH just to get the extra tablets. Another blood test after the 3rd cycle confirmed that I was ovulating.

So after completing my first 3 cycles of clomid, we finally visited Dr Loi again in July.  She suggested that  do a HSG test where a radioactive dye is injected through the vagina and an x-ray taken to check whether my fallopian tubes are blocked. So I went for that and cleared the test.

The next visit, after the HSG test, Dr Loi suggested that I try another 3 cycles of clomid. Since I'm ovulating with 2 tablets, I'll just stick to 2. She informed us that she's leaving KKH for her own practice at Paragon so if I want to see her again, we'll have to move with her. Think it's a blessing really. We were thinking of seeing another gynae.

Jerome & I felt that she had not been very professional and most forgetful so we'll not visit her again. On 2 occasions, during the consultation, she said she's going to prescribe some multi-vitamins for Jerome  but she forgot. During a visit, I was told I need to do another Pap Smear during my next visit. And during my next visit, she forgot about it. We had stepped out of her office when I remembered that. We went back in and reminded her. During our last consultation, she said I should stick to 2 tablets of clomid. But when I got the prescription, I was given 3 tablets. Dr Loi made a mistake on the prescription? Both Jerome & I were certain that I were to be on 2 tablets.  Errr... so should I just take 2 tablets since I'm ovulating at 2, or should I be kiasu and take 3? Even the Pharmacist was surprised of my 'high' dosage as she had only seen prescription of 2 tablets so far. So we decided that we'll just stick to 2 tablets and we're definitely not going to stick to Dr Loi.

Anyway, so I've now started on my 5th cycle of clomid. Another cycle of wait and see...

On a brighter note, we've both passed all the medical tests that we had to do. I'm ovulating with 2 tables after my 3rd blood test. I've no side effects from taking clomid.

Jerome says we'll move on to IVF next year. He has also considered adopting.

P/S I was shocked at how cheap clomid is. At KKH, it's less than 20 cents a pill. So for less than a dollar a month, it had helped some many couples conceive. And it seems that many colleagues in school who had their babies took clomid before.

Put On Hold...

I feel my life is currently on a "put on hold" mode...

A couple of weeks ago, I tried my luck and asked Jerome whether we can go on our year end holiday to celebrate our wedding anniversary. My mother-in-law had postponed her operation to the end of the year so we could still go on a holiday and be back to take care of her post operation. The plan was that after her operation, she would move to our place so that I can help to take care of her. Jerome knows I love to travel so he agreed and asked me to check out tour groups to Taiwan since I've not been there. 

So after calling a few agencies, we planned to book our tour the next day since vacancies were limited. The next day, we were driving to Chinatown when Jerome asked, "What if you are pregnant then?" We decided that it would then be risky to go traveling during the early stages of the pregnancy.  So there goes my plan to travel. 

I just had my driving license last month and am planning to get a second-hand car which will be convenient  for me when I go for my tuition. At first, Jerome was the one who said he would get me a car if I've got my license. I had told him that I did not want a car as I don't really need it and public transport is convenient, etc... But I've since changed my mind. I would like to get a cute little hatchback. So Jerome said "Get 2 or 3 students to justify the cost of owing a car." So I got my students. But he changed his mind. He said I've just got my license, so there's no hurry into getting a car. I need to be more confident on the road first. Ya, but don't I need the practice?

So I asked him if he want me to take public transport and squeeze with other commuters when I'm pregnant? (not that pregnant women can't take public transport, but I thought that was a good reason/excuse to get a car) Then he rebutted and said it's dangerous to drive when I'm pregnant!? So don't take in so many pupils, he said. Just 2. ( I suspect he'll probably ask me to give up my tuition when I'm pregnant.) The car will probably be parked and not used for months when I give birth, etc...

So while I'm waiting every month to be finally pregnant, my life's simply put on hold...

The 1st priority as Jerome said for me was really to make a baby, meanwhile...

I can't go back to work.

I can't further my studies.

I can't go on holidays.

I can't get too many tuition assignments.

I can't get a car.

I can't even drink coffee or tea!
I can't eat too much fruits, too 'liang'.

I've to put everything else on hold...

Don't know how much longer I have to wait...

Don't know how much longer I can wait...